Monday, December 8, 2008

Commentary: Scheduled Heart Failure

I've really been enjoying House this season, so I decided to pick up the Seasons 1-4 DVDs last week to go back and catch up on all the good stuff I've missed over the years. Also, I wanted to see just how formulaic the show really is. And it's true, House virtually always misdiagnosis the patient in a way that will cause a seizure somewhere before the final commercial break. It got me thinking: is this such a bad thing?

I find that even when I'm watching three or four episodes of House in a row, I don't mind the repetition. In fact, I find it somewhat soothing. I can rationalize this by pointing out that the repetition is realistic. Most people's lives are cyclical. My job is basically the same from week to week, and I imagine this is true for anyone who's been in the same profession for a while. On the other hand, a television program about my job would probably cause seizures and ass bleeds, just like on House.

Even fictional formulas get stale after a while. I used to really enjoy Law & Order, and now I always assume that anyone who says they watch that show is joking. Because really, once you've seen one episode you've seen all 8,437,601.

The key to making a formula work is to use it as a tool rather than a template. If your show structure requires you to have a patient almost die in Act II, then you can get creative with that aspect of the formula, occasionally turning it on its head so that the patient actually does die, or the death is only a trick, or the thing causing the near-death-experience is a tick lodged in the patient's vagina.

The show formula can also be used to flesh out the characters. Traits are revealed as we watch the character react to similar but not identical situations each week. Dr. House is virtually always a jerk to his patients and constantly accusing them of lying. But when last week's fitness guru patient concealed her gastric bypass, House was indifferent. Which is how we know that his flirtation with Cuddy was really affecting him.

A television show formula is like the rhyme structure in a classic sonnet. It's not so much an opportunity for fill-in-the-blank writing as a way to reign in your creativity and maintain continuity and character construction.

It's also easy to peg network shows like House and L&O as formulaic while lauding Mad Men or Weeds for being more "original". But from what I know about television writing, every show has some kind of story formula which allows the team of writers to storyboard episodes. Jane Espenson once pointed out that Gilmore Girls was a tough show to write for because the episode structure was unusual, with commercial breaks scheduled in the middle of acts. And GG was a character-driven serial, not a procedural.

Sure, commercial breaks make these kinds of structures necessary on the networks and basic cable, whereas the premium cable channels can get away with more. And that's true. But it doesn't mean that HBO and Showtime don't still use formulas. Most episodes of Dexter, for instance, involve Dexter in a plastic room holding a knife over the face of drugged criminal. And Dexter is a great, original show. But it still has a formula, albeit a highly original one.

Television writing, like all storytelling, requires rules. The mark of a good show is not whether such rules exist, but rather how well the writers, producers and directors use those rules to create a compelling, as opposed to predictable, story.

Plus, audiences gets confused when they don't get their regularly scheduled ass bleeds at the 00:34 minute mark.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Life: "Evil...And His Brother Ziggy"


Life, Season 2
Air Date: 12.3.2008


Before beginning to investigate the murder of the week, Crews and Reese get a little personal time. Crews uses his to un-kidnap himself from Rayborn, who explains that the kidnapping was the accidental result of an overzealous bodyguard. Rayborn actually seems interested in speaking with Crews under less coercive circumstances, and invites Crews to a fundraiser Rayborn is hosting Saturday night.

Meanwhile, Reese is enjoying the time off by wandering around her apartment in her underwear, sucking on a lollipop. And if you're the sort of person inclined to enjoy that mental image, let me ruin it for you by explaining that Tidwell is lying naked in her bed as this is happening. I know. Reese does redeem herself somewhat for this lapse in judgement by ordering Tidwell to cut his hair. Amen, sister.

Later that day, Crews and Reese are off to the reservation to serve as a neutral investigatory party for the murder of a California state trooper, Hawes. A Captain Whitehat (on the nose much?) explains that the tribe has recently hired their own police force to replace the troopers, now that an almost complete casino promises to make them all rich. Crews and Reese discover that the troopers are viewed as white interlopers in the tribe, so Hawes appears to have had lots of enemies. One such enemy is a Tomas Shasta, a councilmember who complained that Hawes' presence on the rez violated tribal law. Shasta has an alibi, though, in the form of his fiancee Anna.

While poking around Hawes' trailer, Captain Whitehat plays a mysterious voicemail Hawes' left on Whitehat's phone, referencing "money, guns and evil."

Shasta and his buddies don't take kindly to the appearance of Crews and Reese, and are somehow involved in the disappearance of the detectives' car. This forces our partners-in-crime-fighting to spend the night at the casino, where they are forced to share a room. Sadly for Crews, this also results in him answering the phone while Reese is in the shower, and being treated to some very uncomfortable dirty talk from a unwitting Tidwell. Not surprisingly, this is more horrifying for him than spending 12 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

Crews leaves Reese alone to have all the phone sex she wants, while he sleeps in Hawes' trailer. There, he's visited by the ghost of Hawes, who expresses his love for the tribe and his secret desire to belong. Upon waking from this dream, Crews discovers a non-ghost Anna, who explains that Hawes taught her about her tribal roots and was like a second father to her. Crews asks Anna about the mysterious voicemail, which she explains is referencing Eval, the unfortunately named casino developer hired by the tribe.

The search for Eval takes the team back to L.A., where Eval and his "brother" are based. The brother turns out to be a super hot chick named Ziggy, who seems way more evil than Eval and frankly, gave me the creeps. Eval and Ziggy don't know much about Hawes, but they do complain that Captain Whitehat has been stalking them. Sure enough, there's Whitehat down the street.

Whitehat explains that she thinks Hawes' messages has to do with illegal guns on the reservation. Tidwell finds out that Eval has hired a gunsmith to work for him on the reservation, converting rifles to fully automatic weapons. Whitehat points out that Eval and Ziggy park their expensive cars in their driveway, instead of their massive suburban garage.

The team won't be able to get a warrant for Eval's garage until the next day, so Crews invites Whitehat to stay with him. This turns out to be a fantastic idea, as it puts Crews' dysfunctional adopted family on full display. First Crews is embarrassed by Ted, who has ordered Indian food in honor of their Native American guest. Then Rachel shows up acting teenagery, and she and Crews bicker about neither of them spending the previous night at the house (with their identical trust issues, they might as well related). Then Ted non-sequitors that he's in love Olivia, Crew's soon-to-be stepmom. Sadly Christina Hendricks does not appear in this episode. But Crews does deliver the line of the night to Whitehat after this shitstorm goes down: "White people." Indeed.

The search of Eval's garage reveals a bunch of guns. In custody, Eval explains that Hawes wanted the tribe to fire Eval because he wasn't a tribe member. Eval attempted to bribe Hawes, but Hawes refused. Wondering why Hawes wouldn't take the money, Crews and Reese investigate his finances. They turn up a recent payment to the Chillicothe County Courthouse.

Turns out that Hawes had found out that Anna's father, Loomis, was conning the tribe. Neither Anna nor Loomis were actually Native, but Loomis had moved them onto the rez back before the casino money made membership lucrative. When Loomis found out that Hawes knew, he shot him to prevent Hawes from telling Anna and Tomas. Once Anna married Tomas, she'd be entitled to tribe money and apparently so would Loomis by proxy. When Anna finds that her actual dad killed her spiritual father, she threatens to kill Loomis. Tomas talks her down. Loomis is arrested.

Crews attends Rayborn's fundraiser, where Rayborn reveals that he has six months to live. And apparently he'd like Crews to take his confession before he dies. Hopefully his confession will explain some things about the Bank of L.A. heist and Jack Reese, because I'm honestly getting a little tired of the conspiracy hold-over from last season.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

House: Let Them Eat Cake


House, Season 5
Air Date: 12.2.2008

Episode Summary:

The Patient of the Week is a fitness guru who turns out to have a rare genetic disease that can only be cured with a high-fat, high-carb diet. Oh, tragedy. But the guru had a secret gastric bypass to look like she does, and rejects the cure in favor of drugs which will only help her maintain the disease. Beauty before brains, as always.

Cuddy moves into House's office while the damage to her office from last week's hostage crisis is repaired. Of course, according to Wilson, she actually moves in because she lurves House. Which, true. House and Cuddy engage in an escalating prank war, presumable because they're mad at each other, but obviously because they're dying to screw one another. Cuddy is bizarrely put off by House groping her boob, but charmed when he locates her desk from med school for her office. Her renewed affection is thwarted however, when she spots House in his office with a trashy-looking blonde.

Meanwhile, Kutner starts a website in House's name, dispensing medical advice. Taub finds out and agrees not to tell House for a cut of the profits. Things get dicey when a (trashy-looking blonde) website patient comes to the hospital for another consultation from "Dr. House". Despite enlisting the help of Cameron and Chase, the patient develops numerous mysterious symptoms, including a crazy rendition of the "Lime In the Coconut" song (maybe she's just drunk?). Then she dies. And then she comes back ALIVE! Turns out House knew about the website and hired the blonde (who is apparently a prostitute) to prank Kutner and Taub. The website will continue, now with House, Cameron, and Chase taking most of the cash.

Oh, and Thirteen started her clinical trial with Foreman, but has trouble being around other Huntington's patients, who remind her of her mom in the final stages. Thirteen confesses to Foreman that she hated her mom as a kid because the Huntington's made her loud and unpleasant. Foreman and Thirteen hug, and hopefully that will be the extent of their physical relationship because, folks, I cannot deal with that.

Review:

Oh, show. I heart you. This episode was mostly hilarious, which is the only way I'll ever be able to handle the House/Cuddy relationship arc. Some gems:
  • Cuddy (on the phone, about House): I just had to tell him that I have his balls and I'm not giving them back.
  • House taking the sledgehammer to Cuddy's toilet
  • House groping Cuddy's boob in reaction to her overtures. I remain baffled as to Cuddy's reaction. It was funny! Apparently Cuddy loses her sense of humor when she's in lurve. Boo.
  • Taub/Kutner. I loved it all. The fact that Chase and Cameron were in on it, House's little hints that he knew, and of course the payoff when the blonde sat up in the morgue. I saw it coming and it still killed me.
I don't know if House really slept with the blonde. I do think it was silly that Cuddy tip-toed away sadly when she saw them. Why take House's balls if you're not going to use them, lady? She should show the trashy hooker who's boss (literally, I mean, Cuddy could fire House). (In theory).

As a rule I don't 'ship TV characters (or real life people, for that matter), but I have say I'm rooting for House and Cuddy. Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein are a riot together, and you can tell there's genuine affection. As long as House never stops being an arrogant, mean, curmudgeon, I don't mind if he's getting some hot ass on the side, especially if the ass in question is also witty and sometimes steals his balls.

Next week is the Christmas episode. There's some confusion/hijinks regarding gifts to and/or from House. I'm down as long as the hijinks are funny. But I am definitely NOT down with Cuddy/Edelstein's new haircut. Not everyone needs bangs, ladies!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Gossip Girl: "It's a Wonderful Lie"

This week's GG was weak. It felt stilted and contrived, as though written by actual high school students as opposed to 30-somethings who still haven't gotten over high school. I've never watched the new 90210, but I imagine it's a lot like this. Lousy dialogue (Vanessa to Nate: "I've never felt this way about anyone before!"), ridiculous pranks (Vanessa's see-through dress wasn't actually humiliating, given that she's smokin'), and zero character or plot development (Chuck and Blair are in love! Duh.).

That said, there were a few highlights:
  • Chuck's sequined blazer. Or was it a tweed with metallic thread? I spent all of Act II pondering it and still haven't decided. But it was a useful distraction from the craptastic mini-Blair and mini-Chuck.
  • Little J reincarnated as the Wicked Witch of Brooklyn. With a cape even! Girl has gone through about four new characters this season, from business-savvy designer to misbehavin' tween. I finally get why she gets along with Eric -- he's used to hanging out with nutballs since his time in the psych ward.
  • Teary Vanessa. It occurs to me that Jessica Szohr is actually one of the better actors on the show (not hard, unless you count Leighton Meester). Which means Szohr has purposely decided to make Vanessa annoying. It's an interesting choice which weirdly makes me like her more.
Otherwise, I think we all would have been better off with a new HIMYM last night.

Maybe It's Lupus

This is spot-on. Though he forgot to mention that you should pick a theme for your House episode:

  1. Everybody Lies
  2. People Don't Change
  3. If You're a Brilliant Doctor, People Will Always Forgive You For Being a Cruel Jackass with a Drug Problem (though it also helps if you're witty, handsome, and possess a sympathetic limp)
Hat tip: CliqueClack

Monday, December 1, 2008

Ad Review: Where's My Ring, Jackass?

Ok, I've looked high and low for a link to this commercial, and can't find it. Apparently the only credit card commercials anyone ever uploads to the internet are the AmEx commercials featuring famous people. Which, frankly, are not even that good. Anyway.

The ad I'm thinking of has been up for a while (at least a year). It's from the series of AmEx ads that show the perks of having an AmEx, like getting show tickets early, being able to jet off to Italy on a moment's notice (really? I didn't see that in my terms), and not having a credit limit.

This ad demonstrates how much it sucks to have a credit card limit. Or possibly how much it sucks to propose to a gold digging harpy. In it, a man and his fiancé are purchasing an engagement ring at some schmancy jewelry store. The store clerk approaches the couple, stating that there's been a "problem" with the man's card. Obviously, the dude looks embarrassed. How does his bride-to-be ease the situation? By laughing it off? By picking out a less expensive ring? Of course not. She tells him to call AmEx and get that baby approved ASAP. Aw, young love!

Seriously, I am so grateful not to exist in the socio-economic bracket for which this situation occurs. Everytime I see this ad, I want to punch this woman in the face and tell this poor guy to run far, far away.

Ad Grade: F

Television Christmas Wish List

Aside from a Series 3 HD Tivo, I do have a few (slightly more realistic) television-related requests for Santa this year.

Bring Daisies Back to Life on AMC

I don't blame ABC for pulling Pushing Daisies - I think the network honestly believed in the show and hoped people would watch. And hey, when you're getting beat in the ratings by the remake of Knight Rider, you're not the problem. But what a travesty for telephiles not to have the quirky Daisies in the line up anymore. I don't love the show unconditionally, and it took some time to warm up to (especially the expository voice over - I don't need to be told that Chuck is staring adoringly at Ned if I can currently see Chuck's adoring gaze right there on my television screen), but there is simply nothing else like it out there.

Which is why AMC, home of the glorious Mad Men, would be a perfect home for Brian Fuller's baby. Like MM, Daisies' aesthetic is beautifully cinematic. And the addition of a procedural comedy to AMC's line up would help round out the channel's original offerings. So do me a favor and slip some pie into my stocking this year....

No More Nostalgia

I'm obviously not talking about period shows like MM here. I can't get enough of Christina Hendricks and her vintage sweater dresses. No, I'm actually addressing the aforementioned Knight Rider. And Rosie O'Donnell's proposed variety show. And the recent remake of Bionic Woman. The problem with this stuff is that people will watch it. As the Cheers theme song told us time and again, people crave the familiar. So remakes are popular because in these troubled political and economic times, we'd all like to pretend we're actually living in another time. So we get high ratings for bad television, a sin that ranks high on my Coal For Christmas list.

So unless you're going to do your remake BSG style (modern, smart, relevant, and featuring a lot of Jamie Bamber), don't do it at all. And for the love of God, don't involve Rosie.

More Holiday Themed Episodes

Ok, this might seem to contradict the previous item. Holiday episodes are generally bald ratings ploys, and like a bad remake, they sometimes go horribly wrong. But generally, if a show is decent, there's something about the holidays that brings out the best in everyone involved. Chrismukkah, anyone?

Holiday episodes can throw characters together in a realistic but unpredictable ways, which is a nice break in a television landscape dominated by procedurals. They can help move plot along and force characters to reveal feelings or resolve conflict. Will Cuddy give House a Christmas gift? Will Charlie's father make a holiday visit? Will Blair and Chuck drink too much eggnog and burn down Brooklyn? I don't know, and I can't wait to find out.

***

Hmmm, somehow I thought this list would be longer. Maybe I'm still in a Thanksgiving coma. Or maybe I'm still just grateful for my television blessings this year: I recently bought Season 1 of Life on DVD; I just got a brand new flat screen for a song thanks to retail panic and Black Friday; and the networks are still scheduling new programming this week, even though November sweeps is over. God bless us, every one.