Wall Street Journal Tests Head/Ass Compatibility

Like most women, I don’t really understand business. Quarterly projections, leveraged buyouts, bulls, bears – like Barbie said, “Math is hard!” That’s why I read The Wall Street Journal. I don’t really understand what it says, but it sounds smart. Plus, pretty pictures! One suggestion, though – less Ben Bernanke, more Daniel Craig.

Anyway, today I was just tickled to find my go-to business paper deigning to discuss my favorite topic. In a recent WSJ Business Technology Blog post (subscription required), Ben Worthen takes on television:

Television characters have never been known for their depth. Usually writers take a stereotype – the sloppy single guy, the dumb blond, the grouchy old guy – add a catchphrase and call it a day. It’s easy to dismiss these programs as lacking any societal benefit, but that’s not totally right. They’re a useful barometer of how society views certain character types.

Gee, Ben, what are you watching on TV? Wasn’t it awful when Yes, Dear got cancelled? At least you can console yourself with new episodes of According to Jim. Poor Courtney Thorne Smith – her husband is such a boor! Plus, CSI: Miami still has healthy ratings. So there’s still plenty of crap on television. You’ll have stuff to complain about forever, as long as you steer clear of anything worth watching.

I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on Ben. I mean, WSJ reporters have never been known for their depth. Usually they just take an unoriginal idea – television is low brow, anything commercially popular is intellectually inferior – throw in a quote from a hedge fund manager, and call it a day. It’s easy to dismiss these “journalists” as lacking any societal benefit, but that’s not totally right. They’re a useful barometer of how far one’s head can be shoved up one’s own ass.

Dirty Sexy Money: Is there any other kind?

I missed most of the Wednesday night premiere smorgasbord because hump day is margarita day in my book. This turned out to be a good thing, because I caught the last ten minutes of the Grey's Anatomy spinoff Private Practice when I got home, and I had to thank god I was drunk. That show should remain as private as possible. Like, maybe so private they don't make any recording of it.

Being drunk was also advantageous for a viewing of Dirty Sexy Money (far and away my favorite new-television-program-name). First of all, everyone on the show is drunk all the time, and there is nothing sadder than being the most sober person in a room. I was also drunk enough that I didn't care that no one on the show makes any sense, ever. I mean, that is just how drunk people are. Try to be tolerant people. Finally, the hot angry priest with the illegitimate kid was like a character I would make up if I were telling a story while completely blitzed. So I was watching the show, but it's like I was making it happen, you know?

Ok, confession. Sunday afternoon is also margarita day in my book. My book, by the way, is called Who Ordered These Frozen? Do I Look Like a Sorority Girl to You?

House: The Cheese Stands Alone

House was about the importance of community this week. Or rather, the importance of having a small cadre of sycophantic underlings around to keep you from killing people. Whatever, same difference. Dr. House learned that it's hard to treat patients without his team, particularly given his aversion to talking to patients or doing any actual medical work. It occurs to me watching this show that House is less a doctor than a medical consultant. Which is to say, House is better at thinking about the practice of medicine than actually practicing medicine. Like all consultants, this makes him useless in virtually any setting. I assume it also makes it hard for him to describe his job to strangers. All the consultants I know make their job sound like a cross between study hall and being a restaurant hostess. I know what you're thinking -- House would make a terrible restaurant hostess. Well, I want you to think about the last nice restaurant you went to. How friendly and helpful was the hostess? Exactly.

Next week House selects his new team, Survivor-style. I hope there's mud wrestling.

Vengeance Restored! Heroes Saves the Day

Which is not to say I enjoyed watching Heroes last night. I'm just proud to have posted four times in one day.

Listen, Heroes is probably a totally worthwhile show. I'm sure if I'd seen Season One, I'd have been thrilled with all the revelations from last night's episode. But I had never seen the show before, and I found myself unable to manufacture much of an interest in any of the 47 plots. Except maybe the cheerleader. She seems sort of cool and interesting. But really, this might as well be Journeyman -- I have no idea what is going on.

This is not a new television conundrum. All serialized dramas struggle with finding ways to reel in new viewers without having to constantly waste precious airtime with exposition. The issue becomes even trickier when the show has an elaborately layered mythology that even regular viewers have trouble tracking. The X-Files attempted to address this issue by sprinkling "stand alone" episodes throughout the season. These were episodes that followed the format of a Law & Order-style procedural. The idea was that stand-alones would allow new viewers to get to know the characters without all those confusing alien conspiracy theories. I don't know how well it worked, but I do know that the stand-alone episodes are among some of my favorites of the series (remember when Scully and Mulder went to Texas to investigate the vampire pizza guy, and the town sheriff was Luke Wilson? That was awesome.). It is at least a more artistic approach than the one adopted by Lost, which is to preface seasons with explanatory "episodes" that summarize the show's previous seasons.

I'm not making suggestions for Heroes. Like I said, it's probably a very good show. But I think I'm going to have to wait until the DVDs to find out.

Going Nowhere: Journeyman Cancellation Watch

Journeyman is about a guy who suddenly starts travelling back in time (but inexplicably, only in decade-long increments). After some brief confusion, he starts helping random people by averting their suicides and stuff. He becomes entangled with his former (but supposedly now dead) fiance. Then his (now magically not dead?) former fiance appears, as though she had never died, but exists in the present day and is also travelling through time. Oh, and our journey man also happens to be married in the present day, making his interactions with the many incarnations of his dead-but-not-dead-former-fiance rife with moral gray area.

If you made it through that paragraph and you still care about Journeyman, then I suggest you start crafting a strategy to save the show from cancellation now. I have no idea what the hell is going on here. And I'm not terribly motivated to find out. The stakes are low. This guy will probably have to deal with the whole not-dead-fiance thing eventually, and I'm sure his wife won't be terribly excited to hear that her husband may have found a cosmic loophole in his vows. But as far as I can tell, no one is worried about a rip in the space time continuum and there are no last minute escapes in Doc's Delorian. Also, the protagonist looks just enough like Daniel Craig to remind me of how much I like Daniel Craig, but not enough to make me watch this show. I just need to locate my copy of Casino Royale by next Monday.

Cancellation Watch: I give it six episodes. It's this year's Vanished.