Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 9

10:14 Obviously, I'm getting tired. Danny Boyle wins the Best Director category for Slumdog Millionaire.

And with that, I'm going to leave you. Don't take it personally, I just have some work to do for which I actually earn a paycheck. But this has been enlightening. It will either reinvigorate my desire to blog, or burn me out on it indefinitely. Good night!

Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 8

9:47 Ok, rejoining the show. Best Actress in a TV Comedy. Tina Fey wins. The lady is my hero. Oh, and also I'm afraid she has taken to exclusively playing baby crazy women in their late 30s, and I hope they take Liz Lemon somewhere else sometime soon.

Fantastic speech. The joke about Hollywood Foreign Press action figures is great, but even better was when she told her internet critics, individually and by name, to suck it.

To explain more thoroughly why I love Tina Fey, let me tell you a story. Recently, I was watching an episode of Damages with my newish roommate. He mentioned three times how ugly he finds Glenn Close before I finally had to say something. Because men, women in the entertainment business do not exclusively exist for the purpose of giving you something to wack off to. While watching Damages, I have never thought to note how physically unattractive Ted Danson is, though I am not even remotely attracted to him or his character on the show. Because he is playing an unlikeable character, and doing it well. Just like Glenn Close. They are helping to create an interesting world filled with devious people with impure motives.

Anyway, it annoys me that Glenn Close, or any actress, is just expected to be attractive by virtue of being an actress. I told my roommate as much, and was a bitch about it, because it's the kind of situation that deserves to have a bitch intervene and tell someone he's being an asshat.

What does this have to do with Tina Fey? Well, were it not for Fey, this situation would have made me feel bad. But Tina is funny and smart and bitchy and a feminist. And incredibly successful. And whenever I start to feel guilty for being myself, I remember Tina Fey and am reminded that it doesn't matter at all if my roommate thinks I'm a bitch. And that it would be way worse if I silenced myself when I'm RIGHT and he's being and asshat, just to avoid fulfilling the stereotype of a bitchy feminist. Because thanks to Tina Fey, the stereotypical bitchy feminist is a little better understood and a little less villified. Give her an award for that. But the GGs are cool too.

10:04 Stephen Spielberg gets a lifetime achievement award. Which means lots of shots of Drew and her crazy hair! Thanks Steve.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 7

Correction: Ok, I totally messed up my initial comment about the Best Supporting Actor in TV category. Alec Baldwin was NOT nominated in the category, which means he wasn't robbed by the overabundance of miniseries actors nominated. But the comment still applies to NPH. But wait, oh my god...

9:28 Renee Zellwegger totally got her hair done in the same wind tunnel as Drew Barrymore! I sincerely hope someone gets a picture of the two of them together at some point tonight. Though at least Drew's dress (pale blue, one shoulder, ethereal) was lovely. Renee's is terrifying, or maybe it's just that she looks like a pale wiry bug. Perhaps she'd like my tip about the Edward's individual pie slices? On second thought, Renee should be eating entire pies at this point.

9:31 Paul Giamatti wins for John Adams. I don't have anything else to say about this, obviously.

9:32 Oh, except to add that Kiefer Sutherland was nominated in this category for his performance in the "24" movie that came out in November or December. And sat on my Tivo for 6 weeks before I finally decided I wasn't going to watch it. I'm going to give the show a try again this season, but it has gotten so thin in the past few years.

9:33 Best TV Series Comedy or Musical. Nominees are 30 Rock, Californication, Entourage, The Office, and Weeds. 30 Rock should win, and.... does. This is an easy one. Ha, Tracy Jordan accepts for the show, based on an agreement he made with Tina Fey if Barack Obama won the election. This is a political statement I can get behind because it's goofy and hilarious. Alec can't resist getting in on it, reminding Tracy to thank Jeff Zucker.

To explain why any other result here would have been absurd:

Entourage and Weeds just aren't as good as they once were. They both skate on reputation and the fact that they appear on pay cable (again, an arbitrary distinction that really matters to the HFPA). Entourage, in particular, has become really thin. Sometimes I watch that show and I don't even know what it's about anymore. It's passed the point of self-referential and come out the other side. So it's kind of like the poo of the entertainment industry. There are a lot of not terribly interesting characters played by only mildly interesting actors who take up a LOT of camera time. Even the Ari Gould character, who was always the core of the show, has gotten stale. Most criminally, the show often has not a single laugh-out-loud funny moment in an entire episode. That's not Best Comedy material.

Weeds has different problems. I applaud the decision to take the show out of Agrestic and push Nancy into a much more questionable and less suburban drug world. But the show hasn't figured out what it is now that it's lost the suburban-mom-as-small-time-dealer schtick. It could come back. But it doesn't deserve to be applauded at this moment.

Californication is great, I love David Duchovny, and I'm glad the show has found an audience. But it's a niche show, and doesn't rise to the level of 30 Rock. The latter manages to be hilarious within the constricts of network television, commercial breaks, and broadcast standards. In fact, it is often hilarious because of those things. The show makes the medium work in its favor, which is a much better way to handle making a TV show than constantly bitching about how hard it is to work in network TV. It is what it is. Californication is often very funny, but also sometimes gets overly repetitive or rests on the ability to say fuck and show simulated sex. Sometimes creativity flourishes best when it's forced to overcome a set structure or other restrictions. So though Californication is great, it doesn't earn the award as much as 30 Rock does.

The Office is biggest competition for the win, and the show is still good and worth watching. It's got some growing pains right now with the Jim/Pam relationship, but is handling them better than expected. 30 Rock is still better right now. But that doesn't mean The Office is bad. It's nice to have a couple heavyweights battling it out.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 6

9:17 I don't understand why In Bruges is getting so much acclaim. Three nominations? It was kind of interesting, but by no means a "great" movie. But I don't understand the film industry very well. I like getting to know a show on television over a longer period of time, so I can really evaluate how good it is. Movies just don't tend to have as much of an effect on me. I saw Doubt a couple weeks ago, and it was an interesting movie, really well acted, but I stopped thinking about it less than 12 hours after seeing it. I don't know. Maybe I just have ADD.

9:21: Best Screenplay is Slumdog Millionaire. This is one movie I will definitely see.

9:22: Huh, is Alec Baldwin nominated for both Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor for 30 Rock? Or maybe I screwed up earier in the show. Because Alec Baldwin just won for Best Actor in a Comedy. Which is awesome. Very funny, classy speech. The reference to his daughter is sadly a bit awkward. It's one of those times when I wish I knew less about famous people's private lives. But he really deserves the win, if only because he's so thoroughly entertaining. Which is supposed to be what this whole business is about, not swaying my vote or getting me to recycle.

Livebloggin the Golden Globes Part 5

9:04 Ok, I'm plowing on. I can catch up on Tivo next weekend, since it's a 4-day in D.C. Plus, this is the most blogging I've done at once ever.

9:05 Tom Brokaw. Who was on my mind because he's the Tom Hanks of broadcast journalism. He's introducing Frost/Nixon. On the one hand, this movie looks interesting. On the other hand, I watched much of the original Frost/Nixon interviews during a class on the American Presidency in college. Whenever I see the previews, I just think about how it would be interesting to go back and watch them again.

9:07 Best Foreign Language film. I haven't seen any of these I don't think... Huh, Kristen Scott Thomas was in a French film. That intrigues me. Anyway, the winner is an Israeli film, but that's upstaged by Colin Farrel making a joke about how he used to be a cokehead as he struggles with a cold during the presentation. He's refreshingly self aware! Though I still can't understand 75% of what he says.

9:09 Aaron Eckhardt looks adorable, as does Maggie Gyllenhall, though she does it in a more grating way. The category is Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie. Interesting how these are almost all biopics, and the actresses are almost all veterans. The winner is Laura Linney for John Adams, which is having a really good night. I feel like that has a lot to do with the fact that it was aired in mid-March, when everyone was starved for good TV after the writer's strike, so it got a ton of attention. Don't get me wrong, I've heard great things about it and it has a great cast. But this is just one of those ways in which the winners can be arbitrary. I doubt Judi Dench sucked, you know? But I didn't even know she was in a TV Movie this year until just now.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 4

8:49 Commercial Break. I recently discovered these little individual serving pie slices from Edwards. I've had them in Reese's, Oreo, and Key Lime. The key lime, which I'm enjoying right now, is definitely my favorite. They're only $3 for a 2-pack. And even though it says they have to be flawed, I've never had to. It's the ideal little dessert for people who often eat dinner alone, late, on their couches. Wow, that sounds sad. But it's not! I love eating my late dinners alone on my couch, watching television.

8:52 Wow, Pierce Brosnan looks really happy to see Jake Gyllenhall on stage. Weird. Jake's introducing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for Best Drama. I will see this one. It could be too long and ridiculous. But if they pull it off, I think it could be one of those genuinely transporting movies. I know I said I was sick of Brad Pitt, but it's got Cate Blanchett. Who I am decidedly not sick of.

8:54 Holy crap. Drew Barrymore's giant blonde Marilyn Monroe hair is AWESOME in a trainwreck way. I love it. She looks wasted and crazy, but I think her hair is giving off that impression all by itself. I nominate Drew's hair for best supporting actress in a television special. Anyway, Best Miniseries or TV Movie is John Adams. Which gives Tom Hanks a chance to accept an award. How novel!

8:57 Demi Moore is still extraordinarily well preserved. Oh, and she just told Rumer not to hunch! Ha! Demi must go nuts whenever she sees Rumer in photos, because the girl has the insulent hunch down. Best Supporting Actor in a Drama. This one is full of great performances, and it goes to Heath Ledger for Dark Knight, which is deserved and also really sad. Oh, they've prepared a clip of Heath as the Joker in case he one. Smart, and also really sad. He was amazing. It's awful for the world that we won't have the chance to see him do more, but much worse is the fact that such a talented person died so young and didn't have the opportunity to really enjoy what would surely have been an amazing body of work. I didn't expect this to get to me, but it did. Anyway, good for Heath, but it really doesn't matter at this point, which is the worst part of all.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes Part 3

8:37 Ricky Gervais! Always funny. I'm sure I'll get sick of it eventually, but I think it's 15 years off or so. He yells at them all for talking and being rude. And then he tells Kate Winslet that he told her she'd win if she made a Holocaust movie. Also, he's got a beer in hand, which is how this is supposed to go. Ok, this almost makes up for the Best TV Actor win. He introduces Happy Go Lucky. If I want to catch up on the nominated films while they're still in theaters, I have my work cut out for me.

8:40 The Jonas Brothers. They did a good job of reading and wearing perfectly matched/but sort of mismatched suits selected by their stylist. Category is Best Animated Film. I'm guessing the winner is Wall-E....

8:41 ... and the winner is Wall-E. Shocking. But really, are they going to give it to Bolt? Kung Fu Panda? I have total respect for what animators do -- they are extraordinary artists and deserve to be recognized. But most mainstream animated films won't get me to a theater.

8:42: Johnny Depp presents Best Actress in a Comedy. I have to say it's nice how the GGs move along at quite the clip. The only one of these movies I've seen is Vicky, Christina, Barcelona, and I really enjoyed Penelope Cruz. Sally Hawkins wins for Happy Go Lucky. She really is cute. Maybe I'll go see this one. It's at least more likely than me watching Mama Mia.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes, Part 2

8:20 Best Supporting Actress in TV goes to Laura Dern for playing Katherine Harris in Recount. This category was much heavier on Miniseries/Movie nominees than the men, so the win bothers me less (though why aren't any of the Mad Men ladies nominated? or Kristen Chenoweth in Pushing Daisies). But Laura Dern just called HBO "brave and amazing". Listen folks, HBO can no longer be called "brave". And certainly not for making a movie about a political fiasco with a fairly predictable lefty-Hollywood take on it. Ugh, and she's getting political preachy. This is why I don't watch these things. I sincerely don't give a fuck what Hollywood people think about politics or social issues.

8:27 Don Cheadle introduces Burn After Reading for the Best Comedy category. Cheadle rocks - I always forget how funny he is because he's generally making those insanely serious, depressing films. Anyway, 20 seconds of Cheadle is more amusing than Burn After Reading looks. I'm officially tired of George and Brad. I know! But really, the charm offensive is burning itself out.

8:28: Best Actor in a TV Show, Miniseries, or TV Movie. God, this one's hard. Hugh Laurie, Jon Hamm, Dexter.... I honestly don't have a favorite. And of course, Gabriel Byrne wins for In Treatment, which I've never seen and sounds vaguely painful. Even better, he's not even there to accept. So we were arbitrarily robbed of what would have been the best acceptance speech of the night from HL, Hamm, or my favorite serial killer. Fuck you, Hollywood Foreign Press Association, and your hard-on for the Home Box Office.

8:31: Best Actress in a TV Show, Miniseries, or TV Movie. This category is getting tired. Kyra Sedgwick and Mariska Hargitay are nominated again. Luckily, Anna Paquin wins for True Blood. Is she allowed to be this year's Golden Globe New Talented Ingenue Girl? Because she's been famous her entire life. Nevertheless, I'm happy to see fresh blood (pun intended), even though I've yet to get into True Blood. I'm weary of vampires, in this Twilight world.

Liveblogging the Golden Globes

I found myself camped in front of the TV this evening watching the Golden Globes, which is actually not something I'd normally do. But I've decided to liveblog at least the first hour (24 premiers tonight, and I might want to watch it before bed) just to see if it makes it more interesting.

8:04 Jennifer Lopez presents Kate Winslet with the GG for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Jen looks to be trying to compete with those divorce rumors. She's wearing a gold draped dress that's almost as slutty as that infamous dress from her P. Diddy years. But she looks gorgeous and can pull it off, so good for her.

Kate is flabbergasted and also extraordinarily grateful. There's a touch of "finally!" but she has been making Oscar bait for years so I can understand it. I haven't seen The Reader or Revolutionary Road, though I have to admit I'll probably be suckered into the latter by the Leo & Kate reunite press. Which is weird, because I absolutely hated Titanic and all the attendant hoopla. I think I'm happy to see them both all grown up and making real movies, having mostly escaped from the psycho insane scrutiny of the big boat movie. Anyway, kuddos to Kate.

8:10 Bruce Springsteen has won for Best Song.... in something. The category is a bit fuzzy to me because I'm distracted by Rumer Willis, who appears to be this year's Ms. Golden Globes. I could have sworn she'd already done it, but I guess not (again, I tend not to pay too close attention). Her dress is gorgeous (deep plum, a-line, interesting twisted bodice/waistline) and I looove the red hair on her, but does she always have to look so smug? Your parents are, collectively, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, and Ashton Kutcher. You're rich and famous. Get over yourself.

8:17 Winner for Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Miniseries, or TV Movie. I have no doubt Tom Wilkinson was great in John Adams; he's great in everything. But these categories are such crap. I'm glad Piven didn't win again, but both Neil Patrick Harris (who was great on SNL last night) and Alec Baldwin totally deserve a shout out. But they don't get it because they're in the junk drawer of GG categories. Crap.

Commentary: Scheduled Heart Failure

I've really been enjoying House this season, so I decided to pick up the Seasons 1-4 DVDs last week to go back and catch up on all the good stuff I've missed over the years. Also, I wanted to see just how formulaic the show really is. And it's true, House virtually always misdiagnosis the patient in a way that will cause a seizure somewhere before the final commercial break. It got me thinking: is this such a bad thing?

I find that even when I'm watching three or four episodes of House in a row, I don't mind the repetition. In fact, I find it somewhat soothing. I can rationalize this by pointing out that the repetition is realistic. Most people's lives are cyclical. My job is basically the same from week to week, and I imagine this is true for anyone who's been in the same profession for a while. On the other hand, a television program about my job would probably cause seizures and ass bleeds, just like on House.

Even fictional formulas get stale after a while. I used to really enjoy Law & Order, and now I always assume that anyone who says they watch that show is joking. Because really, once you've seen one episode you've seen all 8,437,601.

The key to making a formula work is to use it as a tool rather than a template. If your show structure requires you to have a patient almost die in Act II, then you can get creative with that aspect of the formula, occasionally turning it on its head so that the patient actually does die, or the death is only a trick, or the thing causing the near-death-experience is a tick lodged in the patient's vagina.

The show formula can also be used to flesh out the characters. Traits are revealed as we watch the character react to similar but not identical situations each week. Dr. House is virtually always a jerk to his patients and constantly accusing them of lying. But when last week's fitness guru patient concealed her gastric bypass, House was indifferent. Which is how we know that his flirtation with Cuddy was really affecting him.

A television show formula is like the rhyme structure in a classic sonnet. It's not so much an opportunity for fill-in-the-blank writing as a way to reign in your creativity and maintain continuity and character construction.

It's also easy to peg network shows like House and L&O as formulaic while lauding Mad Men or Weeds for being more "original". But from what I know about television writing, every show has some kind of story formula which allows the team of writers to storyboard episodes. Jane Espenson once pointed out that Gilmore Girls was a tough show to write for because the episode structure was unusual, with commercial breaks scheduled in the middle of acts. And GG was a character-driven serial, not a procedural.

Sure, commercial breaks make these kinds of structures necessary on the networks and basic cable, whereas the premium cable channels can get away with more. And that's true. But it doesn't mean that HBO and Showtime don't still use formulas. Most episodes of Dexter, for instance, involve Dexter in a plastic room holding a knife over the face of drugged criminal. And Dexter is a great, original show. But it still has a formula, albeit a highly original one.

Television writing, like all storytelling, requires rules. The mark of a good show is not whether such rules exist, but rather how well the writers, producers and directors use those rules to create a compelling, as opposed to predictable, story.

Plus, audiences gets confused when they don't get their regularly scheduled ass bleeds at the 00:34 minute mark.

Life: "Evil...And His Brother Ziggy"

Life, Season 2
Air Date: 12.3.2008

Before beginning to investigate the murder of the week, Crews and Reese get a little personal time. Crews uses his to un-kidnap himself from Rayborn, who explains that the kidnapping was the accidental result of an overzealous bodyguard. Rayborn actually seems interested in speaking with Crews under less coercive circumstances, and invites Crews to a fundraiser Rayborn is hosting Saturday night.

Meanwhile, Reese is enjoying the time off by wandering around her apartment in her underwear, sucking on a lollipop. And if you're the sort of person inclined to enjoy that mental image, let me ruin it for you by explaining that Tidwell is lying naked in her bed as this is happening. I know. Reese does redeem herself somewhat for this lapse in judgement by ordering Tidwell to cut his hair. Amen, sister.

Later that day, Crews and Reese are off to the reservation to serve as a neutral investigatory party for the murder of a California state trooper, Hawes. A Captain Whitehat (on the nose much?) explains that the tribe has recently hired their own police force to replace the troopers, now that an almost complete casino promises to make them all rich. Crews and Reese discover that the troopers are viewed as white interlopers in the tribe, so Hawes appears to have had lots of enemies. One such enemy is a Tomas Shasta, a councilmember who complained that Hawes' presence on the rez violated tribal law. Shasta has an alibi, though, in the form of his fiancee Anna.

While poking around Hawes' trailer, Captain Whitehat plays a mysterious voicemail Hawes' left on Whitehat's phone, referencing "money, guns and evil."

Shasta and his buddies don't take kindly to the appearance of Crews and Reese, and are somehow involved in the disappearance of the detectives' car. This forces our partners-in-crime-fighting to spend the night at the casino, where they are forced to share a room. Sadly for Crews, this also results in him answering the phone while Reese is in the shower, and being treated to some very uncomfortable dirty talk from a unwitting Tidwell. Not surprisingly, this is more horrifying for him than spending 12 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

Crews leaves Reese alone to have all the phone sex she wants, while he sleeps in Hawes' trailer. There, he's visited by the ghost of Hawes, who expresses his love for the tribe and his secret desire to belong. Upon waking from this dream, Crews discovers a non-ghost Anna, who explains that Hawes taught her about her tribal roots and was like a second father to her. Crews asks Anna about the mysterious voicemail, which she explains is referencing Eval, the unfortunately named casino developer hired by the tribe.

The search for Eval takes the team back to L.A., where Eval and his "brother" are based. The brother turns out to be a super hot chick named Ziggy, who seems way more evil than Eval and frankly, gave me the creeps. Eval and Ziggy don't know much about Hawes, but they do complain that Captain Whitehat has been stalking them. Sure enough, there's Whitehat down the street.

Whitehat explains that she thinks Hawes' messages has to do with illegal guns on the reservation. Tidwell finds out that Eval has hired a gunsmith to work for him on the reservation, converting rifles to fully automatic weapons. Whitehat points out that Eval and Ziggy park their expensive cars in their driveway, instead of their massive suburban garage.

The team won't be able to get a warrant for Eval's garage until the next day, so Crews invites Whitehat to stay with him. This turns out to be a fantastic idea, as it puts Crews' dysfunctional adopted family on full display. First Crews is embarrassed by Ted, who has ordered Indian food in honor of their Native American guest. Then Rachel shows up acting teenagery, and she and Crews bicker about neither of them spending the previous night at the house (with their identical trust issues, they might as well related). Then Ted non-sequitors that he's in love Olivia, Crew's soon-to-be stepmom. Sadly Christina Hendricks does not appear in this episode. But Crews does deliver the line of the night to Whitehat after this shitstorm goes down: "White people." Indeed.

The search of Eval's garage reveals a bunch of guns. In custody, Eval explains that Hawes wanted the tribe to fire Eval because he wasn't a tribe member. Eval attempted to bribe Hawes, but Hawes refused. Wondering why Hawes wouldn't take the money, Crews and Reese investigate his finances. They turn up a recent payment to the Chillicothe County Courthouse.

Turns out that Hawes had found out that Anna's father, Loomis, was conning the tribe. Neither Anna nor Loomis were actually Native, but Loomis had moved them onto the rez back before the casino money made membership lucrative. When Loomis found out that Hawes knew, he shot him to prevent Hawes from telling Anna and Tomas. Once Anna married Tomas, she'd be entitled to tribe money and apparently so would Loomis by proxy. When Anna finds that her actual dad killed her spiritual father, she threatens to kill Loomis. Tomas talks her down. Loomis is arrested.

Crews attends Rayborn's fundraiser, where Rayborn reveals that he has six months to live. And apparently he'd like Crews to take his confession before he dies. Hopefully his confession will explain some things about the Bank of L.A. heist and Jack Reese, because I'm honestly getting a little tired of the conspiracy hold-over from last season.

House: Let Them Eat Cake

House, Season 5
Air Date: 12.2.2008

Episode Summary:

The Patient of the Week is a fitness guru who turns out to have a rare genetic disease that can only be cured with a high-fat, high-carb diet. Oh, tragedy. But the guru had a secret gastric bypass to look like she does, and rejects the cure in favor of drugs which will only help her maintain the disease. Beauty before brains, as always.

Cuddy moves into House's office while the damage to her office from last week's hostage crisis is repaired. Of course, according to Wilson, she actually moves in because she lurves House. Which, true. House and Cuddy engage in an escalating prank war, presumable because they're mad at each other, but obviously because they're dying to screw one another. Cuddy is bizarrely put off by House groping her boob, but charmed when he locates her desk from med school for her office. Her renewed affection is thwarted however, when she spots House in his office with a trashy-looking blonde.

Meanwhile, Kutner starts a website in House's name, dispensing medical advice. Taub finds out and agrees not to tell House for a cut of the profits. Things get dicey when a (trashy-looking blonde) website patient comes to the hospital for another consultation from "Dr. House". Despite enlisting the help of Cameron and Chase, the patient develops numerous mysterious symptoms, including a crazy rendition of the "Lime In the Coconut" song (maybe she's just drunk?). Then she dies. And then she comes back ALIVE! Turns out House knew about the website and hired the blonde (who is apparently a prostitute) to prank Kutner and Taub. The website will continue, now with House, Cameron, and Chase taking most of the cash.

Oh, and Thirteen started her clinical trial with Foreman, but has trouble being around other Huntington's patients, who remind her of her mom in the final stages. Thirteen confesses to Foreman that she hated her mom as a kid because the Huntington's made her loud and unpleasant. Foreman and Thirteen hug, and hopefully that will be the extent of their physical relationship because, folks, I cannot deal with that.

Review:

Oh, show. I heart you. This episode was mostly hilarious, which is the only way I'll ever be able to handle the House/Cuddy relationship arc. Some gems:

• Cuddy (on the phone, about House): I just had to tell him that I have his balls and I'm not giving them back.
• House taking the sledgehammer to Cuddy's toilet
• House groping Cuddy's boob in reaction to her overtures. I remain baffled as to Cuddy's reaction. It was funny! Apparently Cuddy loses her sense of humor when she's in lurve. Boo.
• Taub/Kutner. I loved it all. The fact that Chase and Cameron were in on it, House's little hints that he knew, and of course the payoff when the blonde sat up in the morgue. I saw it coming and it still killed me.

I don't know if House really slept with the blonde. I do think it was silly that Cuddy tip-toed away sadly when she saw them. Why take House's balls if you're not going to use them, lady? She should show the trashy hooker who's boss (literally, I mean, Cuddy could fire House). (In theory).

As a rule I don't 'ship TV characters (or real life people, for that matter), but I have say I'm rooting for House and Cuddy. Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein are a riot together, and you can tell there's genuine affection. As long as House never stops being an arrogant, mean, curmudgeon, I don't mind if he's getting some hot ass on the side, especially if the ass in question is also witty and sometimes steals his balls.

Next week is the Christmas episode. There's some confusion/hijinks regarding gifts to and/or from House. I'm down as long as the hijinks are funny. But I am definitely NOT down with Cuddy/Edelstein's new haircut. Not everyone needs bangs, ladies!

Gossip Girl: "It's a Wonderful Lie"

This week's GG was weak. It felt stilted and contrived, as though written by actual high school students as opposed to 30-somethings who still haven't gotten over high school. I've never watched the new 90210, but I imagine it's a lot like this. Lousy dialogue (Vanessa to Nate: "I've never felt this way about anyone before!"), ridiculous pranks (Vanessa's see-through dress wasn't actually humiliating, given that she's smokin'), and zero character or plot development (Chuck and Blair are in love! Duh.).

That said, there were a few highlights:

• Chuck's sequined blazer. Or was it a tweed with metallic thread? I spent all of Act II pondering it and still haven't decided. But it was a useful distraction from the craptastic mini-Blair and mini-Chuck.
• Little J reincarnated as the Wicked Witch of Brooklyn. With a cape even! Girl has gone through about four new characters this season, from business-savvy designer to misbehavin' tween. I finally get why she gets along with Eric -- he's used to hanging out with nutballs since his time in the psych ward.
• Teary Vanessa. It occurs to me that Jessica Szohr is actually one of the better actors on the show (not hard, unless you count Leighton Meester). Which means Szohr has purposely decided to make Vanessa annoying. It's an interesting choice which weirdly makes me like her more.

Otherwise, I think we all would have been better off with a new HIMYM last night.

Maybe It's Lupus

This is spot-on. Though he forgot to mention that you should pick a theme for your House episode:

1. Everybody Lies
2. People Don't Change
3. If You're a Brilliant Doctor, People Will Always Forgive You For Being a Cruel Jackass with a Drug Problem (though it also helps if you're witty, handsome, and possess a sympathetic limp)

Hat tip: CliqueClack

Ad Review: Where's My Ring, Jackass?

Ok, I've looked high and low for a link to this commercial, and can't find it. Apparently the only credit card commercials anyone ever uploads to the internet are the AmEx commercials featuring famous people. Which, frankly, are not even that good. Anyway.

The ad I'm thinking of has been up for a while (at least a year). It's from the series of AmEx ads that show the perks of having an AmEx, like getting show tickets early, being able to jet off to Italy on a moment's notice (really? I didn't see that in my terms), and not having a credit limit.

This ad demonstrates how much it sucks to have a credit card limit. Or possibly how much it sucks to propose to a gold digging harpy. In it, a man and his fiancé are purchasing an engagement ring at some schmancy jewelry store. The store clerk approaches the couple, stating that there's been a "problem" with the man's card. Obviously, the dude looks embarrassed. How does his bride-to-be ease the situation? By laughing it off? By picking out a less expensive ring? Of course not. She tells him to call AmEx and get that baby approved ASAP. Aw, young love!

Seriously, I am so grateful not to exist in the socio-economic bracket for which this situation occurs. Everytime I see this ad, I want to punch this woman in the face and tell this poor guy to run far, far away.

Ad Grade: F

Television Christmas Wish List

Aside from a Series 3 HD Tivo, I do have a few (slightly more realistic) television-related requests for Santa this year.

Bring Daisies Back to Life on AMC

I don't blame ABC for pulling Pushing Daisies - I think the network honestly believed in the show and hoped people would watch. And hey, when you're getting beat in the ratings by the remake of Knight Rider, you're not the problem. But what a travesty for telephiles not to have the quirky Daisies in the line up anymore. I don't love the show unconditionally, and it took some time to warm up to (especially the expository voice over - I don't need to be told that Chuck is staring adoringly at Ned if I can currently see Chuck's adoring gaze right there on my television screen), but there is simply nothing else like it out there.

Which is why AMC, home of the glorious Mad Men, would be a perfect home for Brian Fuller's baby. Like MM, Daisies' aesthetic is beautifully cinematic. And the addition of a procedural comedy to AMC's line up would help round out the channel's original offerings. So do me a favor and slip some pie into my stocking this year....

No More Nostalgia

I'm obviously not talking about period shows like MM here. I can't get enough of Christina Hendricks and her vintage sweater dresses. No, I'm actually addressing the aforementioned Knight Rider. And Rosie O'Donnell's proposed variety show. And the recent remake of Bionic Woman. The problem with this stuff is that people will watch it. As the Cheers theme song told us time and again, people crave the familiar. So remakes are popular because in these troubled political and economic times, we'd all like to pretend we're actually living in another time. So we get high ratings for bad television, a sin that ranks high on my Coal For Christmas list.

So unless you're going to do your remake BSG style (modern, smart, relevant, and featuring a lot of Jamie Bamber), don't do it at all. And for the love of God, don't involve Rosie.

More Holiday Themed Episodes

Ok, this might seem to contradict the previous item. Holiday episodes are generally bald ratings ploys, and like a bad remake, they sometimes go horribly wrong. But generally, if a show is decent, there's something about the holidays that brings out the best in everyone involved. Chrismukkah, anyone?

Holiday episodes can throw characters together in a realistic but unpredictable ways, which is a nice break in a television landscape dominated by procedurals. They can help move plot along and force characters to reveal feelings or resolve conflict. Will Cuddy give House a Christmas gift? Will Charlie's father make a holiday visit? Will Blair and Chuck drink too much eggnog and burn down Brooklyn? I don't know, and I can't wait to find out.

***

Hmmm, somehow I thought this list would be longer. Maybe I'm still in a Thanksgiving coma. Or maybe I'm still just grateful for my television blessings this year: I recently bought Season 1 of Life on DVD; I just got a brand new flat screen for a song thanks to retail panic and Black Friday; and the networks are still scheduling new programming this week, even though November sweeps is over. God bless us, every one.

Tim Russert Dies at 58

I'm truly shocked and saddened by this news. Not just because he was so young, or because he died of a disease that has plagued my own father for so long, but because Tim Russert has played a role in my life since I was a kid. I can't believe he won't be there Sunday morning. I've been watching Meet the Press since I was 10 or 12 years old. If it's Sunday....

I've had a weird and obsessive interest in politics from a young age, and a big part of that was the soothing regularity of Russert's Sunday morning interviews. It's not an accident that I wound up living in D.C. and interning on Capital Hill. I watched Russert and I watched CNN's Inside Politics, and I knew this is where I needed to be.

I'm devastated that he won't have the chance to participate in the upcoming election. I'm certain he shared my excitement, and we are all poorer to have lost his commentary and reporting on such an historic moment in American political history. No one can replace him, regardless of what happens to Meet the Press. It's like the world's biggest Red Sox fan dying right before the Sox won the World Series. It just isn't fair.

God bless him. 1950 - 2008. Far too soon.

Terrorist Baby Mamas Sell Donuts, Fox Reports

It comes as no surprise that Fox News is perhaps not the most objective news source. There is a difference, however, between a conservative perspective and McCarthyism. Sadly, the "fair and balanced team", shaken by the reversal of fortunes happening on the left-right spectrum right now, is losing their collective shit. A run down of the last couple weeks:

• Michelle Malkin, conservative blogger and Fox commentator, expresses fear and outrage over Rachel Ray's "jihadi chic keffiyeh" (other wise known as "ugly scarf") in a Dunkin' Donuts ad. Dunkin' capitulates and takes down the ad. America breathes a sigh of relief before tearing into a dozen assorted.

• Fox's E.D. Hill refers to a pre-speech double fist bump between Barack and Michelle Obama as a "terrorist fist jab". Crap. Apparently, I have been engaging in terrorist activity every time I pick up a spare down at the Lucky Strike. Should I just turn myself in? I hear Guantanamo is lovely in the summertime.

• During a segment discussing conservative attacks on Michelle Obama, a caption on-screen described the candidate's wife as "Obama's Baby Mama". Wait, the Obamas are married? Oops... I guess they aren't single handedly shredding the integrity of the American family.

On the one hand, it's kind of amusing to watch the conservative screaming-head class go nuts. On the other hand...

Wall Street Journal Tests Head/Ass Compatibility

Like most women, I don’t really understand business. Quarterly projections, leveraged buyouts, bulls, bears – like Barbie said, “Math is hard!” That’s why I read The Wall Street Journal. I don’t really understand what it says, but it sounds smart. Plus, pretty pictures! One suggestion, though – less Ben Bernanke, more Daniel Craig.

Anyway, today I was just tickled to find my go-to business paper deigning to discuss my favorite topic. In a recent WSJ Business Technology Blog post (subscription required), Ben Worthen takes on television:

Television characters have never been known for their depth. Usually writers take a stereotype – the sloppy single guy, the dumb blond, the grouchy old guy – add a catchphrase and call it a day. It’s easy to dismiss these programs as lacking any societal benefit, but that’s not totally right. They’re a useful barometer of how society views certain character types.

Gee, Ben, what are you watching on TV? Wasn’t it awful when Yes, Dear got cancelled? At least you can console yourself with new episodes of According to Jim. Poor Courtney Thorne Smith – her husband is such a boor! Plus, CSI: Miami still has healthy ratings. So there’s still plenty of crap on television. You’ll have stuff to complain about forever, as long as you steer clear of anything worth watching.

I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on Ben. I mean, WSJ reporters have never been known for their depth. Usually they just take an unoriginal idea – television is low brow, anything commercially popular is intellectually inferior – throw in a quote from a hedge fund manager, and call it a day. It’s easy to dismiss these “journalists” as lacking any societal benefit, but that’s not totally right. They’re a useful barometer of how far one’s head can be shoved up one’s own ass.

Dirty Sexy Money: Is there any other kind?

I missed most of the Wednesday night premiere smorgasbord because hump day is margarita day in my book. This turned out to be a good thing, because I caught the last ten minutes of the Grey's Anatomy spinoff Private Practice when I got home, and I had to thank god I was drunk. That show should remain as private as possible. Like, maybe so private they don't make any recording of it.

Being drunk was also advantageous for a viewing of Dirty Sexy Money (far and away my favorite new-television-program-name). First of all, everyone on the show is drunk all the time, and there is nothing sadder than being the most sober person in a room. I was also drunk enough that I didn't care that no one on the show makes any sense, ever. I mean, that is just how drunk people are. Try to be tolerant people. Finally, the hot angry priest with the illegitimate kid was like a character I would make up if I were telling a story while completely blitzed. So I was watching the show, but it's like I was making it happen, you know?

Ok, confession. Sunday afternoon is also margarita day in my book. My book, by the way, is called Who Ordered These Frozen? Do I Look Like a Sorority Girl to You?