Commentary: Scheduled Heart Failure

I've really been enjoying House this season, so I decided to pick up the Seasons 1-4 DVDs last week to go back and catch up on all the good stuff I've missed over the years. Also, I wanted to see just how formulaic the show really is. And it's true, House virtually always misdiagnosis the patient in a way that will cause a seizure somewhere before the final commercial break. It got me thinking: is this such a bad thing?

I find that even when I'm watching three or four episodes of House in a row, I don't mind the repetition. In fact, I find it somewhat soothing. I can rationalize this by pointing out that the repetition is realistic. Most people's lives are cyclical. My job is basically the same from week to week, and I imagine this is true for anyone who's been in the same profession for a while. On the other hand, a television program about my job would probably cause seizures and ass bleeds, just like on House.

Even fictional formulas get stale after a while. I used to really enjoy Law & Order, and now I always assume that anyone who says they watch that show is joking. Because really, once you've seen one episode you've seen all 8,437,601.

The key to making a formula work is to use it as a tool rather than a template. If your show structure requires you to have a patient almost die in Act II, then you can get creative with that aspect of the formula, occasionally turning it on its head so that the patient actually does die, or the death is only a trick, or the thing causing the near-death-experience is a tick lodged in the patient's vagina.

The show formula can also be used to flesh out the characters. Traits are revealed as we watch the character react to similar but not identical situations each week. Dr. House is virtually always a jerk to his patients and constantly accusing them of lying. But when last week's fitness guru patient concealed her gastric bypass, House was indifferent. Which is how we know that his flirtation with Cuddy was really affecting him.

A television show formula is like the rhyme structure in a classic sonnet. It's not so much an opportunity for fill-in-the-blank writing as a way to reign in your creativity and maintain continuity and character construction.

It's also easy to peg network shows like House and L&O as formulaic while lauding Mad Men or Weeds for being more "original". But from what I know about television writing, every show has some kind of story formula which allows the team of writers to storyboard episodes. Jane Espenson once pointed out that Gilmore Girls was a tough show to write for because the episode structure was unusual, with commercial breaks scheduled in the middle of acts. And GG was a character-driven serial, not a procedural.

Sure, commercial breaks make these kinds of structures necessary on the networks and basic cable, whereas the premium cable channels can get away with more. And that's true. But it doesn't mean that HBO and Showtime don't still use formulas. Most episodes of Dexter, for instance, involve Dexter in a plastic room holding a knife over the face of drugged criminal. And Dexter is a great, original show. But it still has a formula, albeit a highly original one.

Television writing, like all storytelling, requires rules. The mark of a good show is not whether such rules exist, but rather how well the writers, producers and directors use those rules to create a compelling, as opposed to predictable, story.

Plus, audiences gets confused when they don't get their regularly scheduled ass bleeds at the 00:34 minute mark.

House: Let Them Eat Cake

House, Season 5
Air Date: 12.2.2008

Episode Summary:

The Patient of the Week is a fitness guru who turns out to have a rare genetic disease that can only be cured with a high-fat, high-carb diet. Oh, tragedy. But the guru had a secret gastric bypass to look like she does, and rejects the cure in favor of drugs which will only help her maintain the disease. Beauty before brains, as always.

Cuddy moves into House's office while the damage to her office from last week's hostage crisis is repaired. Of course, according to Wilson, she actually moves in because she lurves House. Which, true. House and Cuddy engage in an escalating prank war, presumable because they're mad at each other, but obviously because they're dying to screw one another. Cuddy is bizarrely put off by House groping her boob, but charmed when he locates her desk from med school for her office. Her renewed affection is thwarted however, when she spots House in his office with a trashy-looking blonde.

Meanwhile, Kutner starts a website in House's name, dispensing medical advice. Taub finds out and agrees not to tell House for a cut of the profits. Things get dicey when a (trashy-looking blonde) website patient comes to the hospital for another consultation from "Dr. House". Despite enlisting the help of Cameron and Chase, the patient develops numerous mysterious symptoms, including a crazy rendition of the "Lime In the Coconut" song (maybe she's just drunk?). Then she dies. And then she comes back ALIVE! Turns out House knew about the website and hired the blonde (who is apparently a prostitute) to prank Kutner and Taub. The website will continue, now with House, Cameron, and Chase taking most of the cash.

Oh, and Thirteen started her clinical trial with Foreman, but has trouble being around other Huntington's patients, who remind her of her mom in the final stages. Thirteen confesses to Foreman that she hated her mom as a kid because the Huntington's made her loud and unpleasant. Foreman and Thirteen hug, and hopefully that will be the extent of their physical relationship because, folks, I cannot deal with that.

Review:

Oh, show. I heart you. This episode was mostly hilarious, which is the only way I'll ever be able to handle the House/Cuddy relationship arc. Some gems:

• Cuddy (on the phone, about House): I just had to tell him that I have his balls and I'm not giving them back.
• House taking the sledgehammer to Cuddy's toilet
• House groping Cuddy's boob in reaction to her overtures. I remain baffled as to Cuddy's reaction. It was funny! Apparently Cuddy loses her sense of humor when she's in lurve. Boo.
• Taub/Kutner. I loved it all. The fact that Chase and Cameron were in on it, House's little hints that he knew, and of course the payoff when the blonde sat up in the morgue. I saw it coming and it still killed me.

I don't know if House really slept with the blonde. I do think it was silly that Cuddy tip-toed away sadly when she saw them. Why take House's balls if you're not going to use them, lady? She should show the trashy hooker who's boss (literally, I mean, Cuddy could fire House). (In theory).

As a rule I don't 'ship TV characters (or real life people, for that matter), but I have say I'm rooting for House and Cuddy. Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein are a riot together, and you can tell there's genuine affection. As long as House never stops being an arrogant, mean, curmudgeon, I don't mind if he's getting some hot ass on the side, especially if the ass in question is also witty and sometimes steals his balls.

Next week is the Christmas episode. There's some confusion/hijinks regarding gifts to and/or from House. I'm down as long as the hijinks are funny. But I am definitely NOT down with Cuddy/Edelstein's new haircut. Not everyone needs bangs, ladies!

Television Christmas Wish List

Aside from a Series 3 HD Tivo, I do have a few (slightly more realistic) television-related requests for Santa this year.

Bring Daisies Back to Life on AMC

I don't blame ABC for pulling Pushing Daisies - I think the network honestly believed in the show and hoped people would watch. And hey, when you're getting beat in the ratings by the remake of Knight Rider, you're not the problem. But what a travesty for telephiles not to have the quirky Daisies in the line up anymore. I don't love the show unconditionally, and it took some time to warm up to (especially the expository voice over - I don't need to be told that Chuck is staring adoringly at Ned if I can currently see Chuck's adoring gaze right there on my television screen), but there is simply nothing else like it out there.

Which is why AMC, home of the glorious Mad Men, would be a perfect home for Brian Fuller's baby. Like MM, Daisies' aesthetic is beautifully cinematic. And the addition of a procedural comedy to AMC's line up would help round out the channel's original offerings. So do me a favor and slip some pie into my stocking this year....

No More Nostalgia

I'm obviously not talking about period shows like MM here. I can't get enough of Christina Hendricks and her vintage sweater dresses. No, I'm actually addressing the aforementioned Knight Rider. And Rosie O'Donnell's proposed variety show. And the recent remake of Bionic Woman. The problem with this stuff is that people will watch it. As the Cheers theme song told us time and again, people crave the familiar. So remakes are popular because in these troubled political and economic times, we'd all like to pretend we're actually living in another time. So we get high ratings for bad television, a sin that ranks high on my Coal For Christmas list.

So unless you're going to do your remake BSG style (modern, smart, relevant, and featuring a lot of Jamie Bamber), don't do it at all. And for the love of God, don't involve Rosie.

More Holiday Themed Episodes

Ok, this might seem to contradict the previous item. Holiday episodes are generally bald ratings ploys, and like a bad remake, they sometimes go horribly wrong. But generally, if a show is decent, there's something about the holidays that brings out the best in everyone involved. Chrismukkah, anyone?

Holiday episodes can throw characters together in a realistic but unpredictable ways, which is a nice break in a television landscape dominated by procedurals. They can help move plot along and force characters to reveal feelings or resolve conflict. Will Cuddy give House a Christmas gift? Will Charlie's father make a holiday visit? Will Blair and Chuck drink too much eggnog and burn down Brooklyn? I don't know, and I can't wait to find out.

***

Hmmm, somehow I thought this list would be longer. Maybe I'm still in a Thanksgiving coma. Or maybe I'm still just grateful for my television blessings this year: I recently bought Season 1 of Life on DVD; I just got a brand new flat screen for a song thanks to retail panic and Black Friday; and the networks are still scheduling new programming this week, even though November sweeps is over. God bless us, every one.

House on Fire

My New Years' resolution: actually post to this blog I started.

Oh, and watch more television. Naturally.

Luckily, a few of my favorites are back from hiatus this week, which means I can finally stop holding my breath as I wait for Netflix to bring me another installment of Battlestar Galactica.

First up: House. Last night, House apologized to Tritter for leaving a thermometer in his ass, checked himself into rehab, and apologized to Wilson for generally being an asshole. It was starting to look a little too much like a very special New Years episode of "Ed". I mean, recovery and kindness are great and all, but I watch this show specifically because no one ever learns a lesson, shares her true feelings, or reunites with his estranged father.

Well, actually, sometimes that stuff happens, but House always steps in to ridicule people for having feelings and caring about others. It isn't annoying because he's smarter and wittier than everyone else. Also: hotter. That's right, I have a thing for bitter old men. Come on, I can't be the only girl who feels flush whenever Andy Rooney complains about his junk mail, can I?

I needn't have worried that House was on the verge of starting a sappy love affair with Julie Bowen. He's still an addict, sneaking pills from one of the guards in rehab. Meanwhile, Cuddy perjured herself to keep him out of prison. Turns out, everybody lies. Who knew?

On a more analytic note, this episode was a great example of thematic storytelling that avoids being heavy-handed. The theme was new beginnings - for House, the House & Wilson friendship, and for our patient-of-the-week (he gets electroshock therapy to reboot his brain and erase his broken heart, Eternal Sunshine style). The storylines hang together, but the characters don't address the theme directly. You're never distracted from the actual stories by discussion of what they mean. Instead, you're trusted to figure that out for yourself, on your own terms. Remember the movie "Crash"? It was about race, if you didn't notice. Which would be shocking, because every single scene involved characters discussing their races and how race affected their relationships. It's lazy writing, it makes dialogue feel fake and stilted, and it weighs the script down with an annoying sense of Meaning. If I wanted to be told what to think and how to feel about a story, I'd just watch Studio 60.

Episode Grade: Solid. Too bad we have to wait three weeks for the next installment.

Coming up: Grey's Anatomy returns tomorrow. I'm growing weary of the enormous cast and incenstuous storylines, but the writing is so consistently ingenius that I remain devoted. Also, I just saw an ad for the new Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central, debuting February 1st. It looks to be a Seinfeldesque sitcom based on the life of a fictional Silverman, but with singing and dancing and, presumably, more poop jokes.