Survivor: Kill the Lawyer!

It would be really awesome if, for once, a lawyer in the public eye didn't prove to people why they hate lawyers. Nice because, one of these days, I'm going to be a lawyer and I can only self-loathe so much before I can't get out of bed in the morning.

Nevertheless, Survivor's resident attorney ass, Alex, was wished a welcome goodbye this evening (that's right, I'm an alliterator -- deal with it). In his parting words, he went the classy route and insulted the remaining contestants for being naive. Yes, just keep telling yourself that they voted you off because they lack critical thinking skills. Fucking lawyer. I bet my LSAT score was higher than his.

Of course, Alex also told the viewing public to hold onto their dreams because you never know when they might come true. Provided, of course, your dream is to place seventh on a reality program that forced you to competitively tear meat from a swinging animal carcass with your hands tied behind your back. Maybe he meant to say "hold onto you Dreamz."

Playing With Fools

Normally on Thursdays I watch The Office at 8:30, secure in the knowledge that Survivor will be available on Comcast On Demand within hours. And it's worth it. The Office is art, while Survivor is just reliably entertaining.

Tonight I couldn't help myself, though. This season of Survivor has taken an Office-style turn and become horribly addictive. Remember when Dwight, in an effort to spare himself from impending layoffs, tried to form an alliance with Jim? It's always funny to watch Jim mess around with Dwight's deluded self-seriousness. Well, the casting crew on Survivor scored a few Dwights and at least one Jim this season. Watching these fools stumble around the island discussing their "brilliant" plans to subvert the prevailing alliance is pure gold. It may not compare to the comedic genius of Michael pretending to commit suicide by jumping into a giant balloon castle in the parking lot, but it's pretty damn hilarious.

This chapter is drawing to a close, unfortunately, as all the Dwights are being swiftly voted off. It's one of Survivor's biggest downsides -- often the most interesting characters are booted well before the finale. My personal favorite this spring was Michelle, who was the adorable, brainy Pam to Earl's mastermind Jim. Now I must content myself with Michelle-lite, Stacy, who doesn't even rise to Karen-level coolness.

So you'll have to forgive me for missing tonight's Office. I know in the religion of television viewing, skipping the prevailing Best Show on TV is sacrilege. I promise not to let it happen again. Or to at least have the sense to lie about it to the rest of my alliance, like any self-respecting Survivor.