House: Let Them Eat Cake

House, Season 5
Air Date: 12.2.2008

Episode Summary:

The Patient of the Week is a fitness guru who turns out to have a rare genetic disease that can only be cured with a high-fat, high-carb diet. Oh, tragedy. But the guru had a secret gastric bypass to look like she does, and rejects the cure in favor of drugs which will only help her maintain the disease. Beauty before brains, as always.

Cuddy moves into House's office while the damage to her office from last week's hostage crisis is repaired. Of course, according to Wilson, she actually moves in because she lurves House. Which, true. House and Cuddy engage in an escalating prank war, presumable because they're mad at each other, but obviously because they're dying to screw one another. Cuddy is bizarrely put off by House groping her boob, but charmed when he locates her desk from med school for her office. Her renewed affection is thwarted however, when she spots House in his office with a trashy-looking blonde.

Meanwhile, Kutner starts a website in House's name, dispensing medical advice. Taub finds out and agrees not to tell House for a cut of the profits. Things get dicey when a (trashy-looking blonde) website patient comes to the hospital for another consultation from "Dr. House". Despite enlisting the help of Cameron and Chase, the patient develops numerous mysterious symptoms, including a crazy rendition of the "Lime In the Coconut" song (maybe she's just drunk?). Then she dies. And then she comes back ALIVE! Turns out House knew about the website and hired the blonde (who is apparently a prostitute) to prank Kutner and Taub. The website will continue, now with House, Cameron, and Chase taking most of the cash.

Oh, and Thirteen started her clinical trial with Foreman, but has trouble being around other Huntington's patients, who remind her of her mom in the final stages. Thirteen confesses to Foreman that she hated her mom as a kid because the Huntington's made her loud and unpleasant. Foreman and Thirteen hug, and hopefully that will be the extent of their physical relationship because, folks, I cannot deal with that.

Review:

Oh, show. I heart you. This episode was mostly hilarious, which is the only way I'll ever be able to handle the House/Cuddy relationship arc. Some gems:

• Cuddy (on the phone, about House): I just had to tell him that I have his balls and I'm not giving them back.
• House taking the sledgehammer to Cuddy's toilet
• House groping Cuddy's boob in reaction to her overtures. I remain baffled as to Cuddy's reaction. It was funny! Apparently Cuddy loses her sense of humor when she's in lurve. Boo.
• Taub/Kutner. I loved it all. The fact that Chase and Cameron were in on it, House's little hints that he knew, and of course the payoff when the blonde sat up in the morgue. I saw it coming and it still killed me.

I don't know if House really slept with the blonde. I do think it was silly that Cuddy tip-toed away sadly when she saw them. Why take House's balls if you're not going to use them, lady? She should show the trashy hooker who's boss (literally, I mean, Cuddy could fire House). (In theory).

As a rule I don't 'ship TV characters (or real life people, for that matter), but I have say I'm rooting for House and Cuddy. Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein are a riot together, and you can tell there's genuine affection. As long as House never stops being an arrogant, mean, curmudgeon, I don't mind if he's getting some hot ass on the side, especially if the ass in question is also witty and sometimes steals his balls.

Next week is the Christmas episode. There's some confusion/hijinks regarding gifts to and/or from House. I'm down as long as the hijinks are funny. But I am definitely NOT down with Cuddy/Edelstein's new haircut. Not everyone needs bangs, ladies!

Gossip Girl: "It's a Wonderful Lie"

This week's GG was weak. It felt stilted and contrived, as though written by actual high school students as opposed to 30-somethings who still haven't gotten over high school. I've never watched the new 90210, but I imagine it's a lot like this. Lousy dialogue (Vanessa to Nate: "I've never felt this way about anyone before!"), ridiculous pranks (Vanessa's see-through dress wasn't actually humiliating, given that she's smokin'), and zero character or plot development (Chuck and Blair are in love! Duh.).

That said, there were a few highlights:

• Chuck's sequined blazer. Or was it a tweed with metallic thread? I spent all of Act II pondering it and still haven't decided. But it was a useful distraction from the craptastic mini-Blair and mini-Chuck.
• Little J reincarnated as the Wicked Witch of Brooklyn. With a cape even! Girl has gone through about four new characters this season, from business-savvy designer to misbehavin' tween. I finally get why she gets along with Eric -- he's used to hanging out with nutballs since his time in the psych ward.
• Teary Vanessa. It occurs to me that Jessica Szohr is actually one of the better actors on the show (not hard, unless you count Leighton Meester). Which means Szohr has purposely decided to make Vanessa annoying. It's an interesting choice which weirdly makes me like her more.

Otherwise, I think we all would have been better off with a new HIMYM last night.

Maybe It's Lupus

This is spot-on. Though he forgot to mention that you should pick a theme for your House episode:

1. Everybody Lies
2. People Don't Change
3. If You're a Brilliant Doctor, People Will Always Forgive You For Being a Cruel Jackass with a Drug Problem (though it also helps if you're witty, handsome, and possess a sympathetic limp)

Hat tip: CliqueClack

Ad Review: Where's My Ring, Jackass?

Ok, I've looked high and low for a link to this commercial, and can't find it. Apparently the only credit card commercials anyone ever uploads to the internet are the AmEx commercials featuring famous people. Which, frankly, are not even that good. Anyway.

The ad I'm thinking of has been up for a while (at least a year). It's from the series of AmEx ads that show the perks of having an AmEx, like getting show tickets early, being able to jet off to Italy on a moment's notice (really? I didn't see that in my terms), and not having a credit limit.

This ad demonstrates how much it sucks to have a credit card limit. Or possibly how much it sucks to propose to a gold digging harpy. In it, a man and his fiancé are purchasing an engagement ring at some schmancy jewelry store. The store clerk approaches the couple, stating that there's been a "problem" with the man's card. Obviously, the dude looks embarrassed. How does his bride-to-be ease the situation? By laughing it off? By picking out a less expensive ring? Of course not. She tells him to call AmEx and get that baby approved ASAP. Aw, young love!

Seriously, I am so grateful not to exist in the socio-economic bracket for which this situation occurs. Everytime I see this ad, I want to punch this woman in the face and tell this poor guy to run far, far away.

Ad Grade: F

Television Christmas Wish List

Aside from a Series 3 HD Tivo, I do have a few (slightly more realistic) television-related requests for Santa this year.

Bring Daisies Back to Life on AMC

I don't blame ABC for pulling Pushing Daisies - I think the network honestly believed in the show and hoped people would watch. And hey, when you're getting beat in the ratings by the remake of Knight Rider, you're not the problem. But what a travesty for telephiles not to have the quirky Daisies in the line up anymore. I don't love the show unconditionally, and it took some time to warm up to (especially the expository voice over - I don't need to be told that Chuck is staring adoringly at Ned if I can currently see Chuck's adoring gaze right there on my television screen), but there is simply nothing else like it out there.

Which is why AMC, home of the glorious Mad Men, would be a perfect home for Brian Fuller's baby. Like MM, Daisies' aesthetic is beautifully cinematic. And the addition of a procedural comedy to AMC's line up would help round out the channel's original offerings. So do me a favor and slip some pie into my stocking this year....

No More Nostalgia

I'm obviously not talking about period shows like MM here. I can't get enough of Christina Hendricks and her vintage sweater dresses. No, I'm actually addressing the aforementioned Knight Rider. And Rosie O'Donnell's proposed variety show. And the recent remake of Bionic Woman. The problem with this stuff is that people will watch it. As the Cheers theme song told us time and again, people crave the familiar. So remakes are popular because in these troubled political and economic times, we'd all like to pretend we're actually living in another time. So we get high ratings for bad television, a sin that ranks high on my Coal For Christmas list.

So unless you're going to do your remake BSG style (modern, smart, relevant, and featuring a lot of Jamie Bamber), don't do it at all. And for the love of God, don't involve Rosie.

More Holiday Themed Episodes

Ok, this might seem to contradict the previous item. Holiday episodes are generally bald ratings ploys, and like a bad remake, they sometimes go horribly wrong. But generally, if a show is decent, there's something about the holidays that brings out the best in everyone involved. Chrismukkah, anyone?

Holiday episodes can throw characters together in a realistic but unpredictable ways, which is a nice break in a television landscape dominated by procedurals. They can help move plot along and force characters to reveal feelings or resolve conflict. Will Cuddy give House a Christmas gift? Will Charlie's father make a holiday visit? Will Blair and Chuck drink too much eggnog and burn down Brooklyn? I don't know, and I can't wait to find out.

***

Hmmm, somehow I thought this list would be longer. Maybe I'm still in a Thanksgiving coma. Or maybe I'm still just grateful for my television blessings this year: I recently bought Season 1 of Life on DVD; I just got a brand new flat screen for a song thanks to retail panic and Black Friday; and the networks are still scheduling new programming this week, even though November sweeps is over. God bless us, every one.