It's Karma, Carson

The real test of a professional interviewer is the interview of the nobody. Anyone can interview a somebody. Anyone can interview George Clooney, because Clooney will always come off as cool and interesting. Case in point: Oprah had Julia Roberts and Clooney interview one another last month and I was completely riveted even though Roberts spent the entire interview giggling and saying "So who are you dating? No really, who?"

More difficult is to interview, say, Eric Balfour. Balfour is on 24 (as Miles), but you probably don't know the actor's name. Unless you watch 24 religiously, you might recognize him as an actor but probably wouldn't be able to place him. Interviewing Eric Balfour is a trick, because your job as interviewer is to make me, who really could care less about Eric Balfour, care about Eric Balfour. How does one do this? Well, I'm no expert, but I think you might want to start by acting like you care about Eric Balfour. Because if I don't care, and you don't care, the only person who cares here is Eric Balfour. And who gives a shit what he thinks? It's not like he's George Clooney.

Now, I don't want to single anyone out here, but Carson Daly is a really terrible interviewer. Sure, he's on at 1:30 a.m. Sure, he's stuck interviewing people like Eric Balfour and the entire cast of Las Vegas (which, by the way, becomes a totally worthwhile show to watch right around 1:30 a.m.). But I have cable, people. There is an old episode of The X-Files on SciFi that I could be watching right now (and Scully is having a good hair episode -- no bangs!). So it's not too much to ask for Carson to at least feign an interest in the guy his underachieving staff booked for tonight's show.

Really, this shouldn't have been too hard. Balfour was telling this truly amusing story about these stonewashed Bel Biv Devoe overalls he owned back during his Kids Incoporated days. But Carson seemed vicariously ashamed of this story. He kept shushing Balfour and fretting about how the story might be embarassing. Apparently, having a sense of humor about one's early career is not a skill Carson is eager to learn.

The funny thing about Carson Daly is that he actually thinks Eric Balfour is beneath him. He can't bother to pay attention to Balfour's stories about martial arts and being on Kids' Incorporated because Daly's too busy thinking about how he's going to make a play for Conan's job in 2009.

Oh, Carson. The only reason you have a show in the wee hours is because we need something to distract you from trying to get on television at a time when anyone might watch. I know you're still bitter that Ryan Seacrest took over your schtick and then proceeded to conquer the world. All because he hosted a show you most certainly would have considered beneath you. And now look -- Ryan's hanging out with Gwen Stefani in prime time while you make small talk with Eric Balfour in the middle of the night. So I get your bitterness. But nothing is going to change unless you embrace the current situation. You're a nobody. You're more of a nobody than Eric Balfour. At least people actually watch his show. You, on the other hand, may be remembered primarily for being engaged to Tara Reid. This is, how shall I say... unfortunate.

But you could turn it all around by making your show the safe haven for Hollywood nobodies. Pull a Kathy Griffin, but without the red hair and the annoying cackle. Actually, work on your annoying cackle. It would play better than that cocky chuckle you're doing now. That's not working for you at all. The people don't like smug, Carson. Unless you're really, really rich and famous. And even then it might Tom Cruise on you. So accept the fact that you're basically washed up at the age of 34. Accept the fact that you're kind of a tool. Accept the fact that although you are a good golfer, nobody really cares that much.

Once you accept reality as it is, you might discover a sense of humor. Or a sense of empathy. Or a personality. Until then, I guess you'll just have to let yourself be outshined by Eric Balfour. Who, by the way, was also dumped by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Unlike with you, however, he didn't find out when her publicist leaked it to a radio station. Eric Balfour 1, Carson Daly 0.

ETA: I learned way more than I ever needed to know about both Carson Daly and Eric Balfour while writing this. I should have gone with my first instinct and written about Friday Night Lights.