Long Live the Hoff

For a short period of time, I lived with these three guys. They seemed normal enough, but over time, certain "tendencies" emerged. Taken seperately, these habits didn't amount to much. When aggregated, however, a frightening pattern came to light.

First, there was the frequent intonation of the word "dude".

Next, I discovered they were all hideous gossips. Monday Night Football started to feel uncomfortably like hot topics on "The View".

But most damning of all, these guys loved -- and I mean L-O-V-E-D -- "CSI: Miami".

I can deal with a lot from a roommate. Drug dependencies, filth, a firm belief that empty liquor bottles are collectibles worthy of display. But bad taste in television? Everyone has their limits.

Listen, I enjoy gratuitous T&A and unnecessary explosions as much as the next person. Really. But doesn't the presence of David Caruso spoil whatever pleasure you might derive from all that cleavage? The hair, the sunglasses, the stilted mannerisms, the general dearth of any acting ability whatsoever? I'd rather watch "Baywatch" reruns. At least the Hoff embraced his cheesiness. You can tell Caruso thinks he's gunning for an Emmy every time he whips off his sunglasses to quip, "Drive by [dramatic pause] Miami style." Like he's just coined some brilliant little witticism. What does that even mean?

To save you from the trouble of actually having to watch "CSI: Miami", here's a little taste of what you're missing. This way, you can laugh at everyone's least favorite red-headed stepchild without actually having to watch him work. Enjoy.

BSG Gets "Good", And It's Awful

"Battlestar Galactica" was terrible last night. It was as though Aaron Sorkin decided to pen an extra pretentious episode of the West Wing, set on a spaceship in the distant future. Racism is bad! Let's all pat ourselves on the back for being such good liberals! Thank God(s) all the issues lined up nice and neat and no one actually had to think about anything!

Ordinarily BSG is so adept at reflecting contemporary socio-political issues. One reason is that the writers play around with parallels to modern politics, constantly undermining where viewers' sympathies are inclined to lie. In an article on Slate from last November, Adam Rogers described how this process worked in the BSG writers' room:

Then, the whole group [of writers] tries to figure out the Cylons' deeper motivations via a rapid-fire series of metaphors. The Cylons are Nazis, hell-bent on solving the Human Question. The Cylons are Jews, trying to defend Israel. The Cylons are U.S. troops in Iraq, caught off guard by an uprising.

Think about that. It raises a sensitive but incredibly informative question: What did the Nazi's have in common with modern day Israel? What do both entities share with U.S. troops in Iraq?

Does that make you uncomfortable? It should. It's also fascinating, and maybe the kind of question we should be asking ourselves more often. There are no good guys. History will judge all of us by what we do, not who we are. That's pretty powerful.

The wonderful thing about using fiction to understand reality is that you have the freedom to force your audience to confront its preconceived notions about the good/bad dichotomy. You can demonstrate that the good guys don't always act unselfishly, don't always do the right thing, and are often unsure of exactly what the right thing is.

You can also humanize the enemy, forcing the viewer to ask why this is the "enemy". This tactic is particularly sophisticated on BSG, where the enemy isn't human, but looks, feels, and acts human, right down to emotions like love and loyalty. Maybe this analogy is common place to longtime fans of science fiction, but I find it pretty novel.

So last night was disappointing in its predictability. Hopefully it was just a filler episode and an anomaly. Because unfortunately, there isn't another show on television right now that does what BSG does quite so well.

Meet My New Boyfriend

It's no "Lazy Sunday" or "Dick In a Box", but "AndyPoppingIntoFrame", the latest in Andy Samberg's series of digital short films for Saturday Night Live, was one of the few moments from last night's show that made me smile on the outside. I don't know what it means when SNL's best moments are the ones that are least "live", but I do know that Andy Samberg is my new secret boyfriend. Secret only in the sense that he doesn't know. But he will. Oh, he will.

Which means, for those of you keeping score at home, that I not only have a thing for bitter old men, but also goofy-looking guys living in a stunted adolescence. Frankly, this explains a lot about my personal life.

Happy Easter!

I know this isn't television related, but... what is going on in this photograph of Renee Zellweger, currently gracing the cover of Vogue? Why is she pooping a bunny? Why does she look so proud of it? She's all "Check out this really awesome bunny in my butt! I named him Peter Rabbit cause I'm in that Beatrix Potter biopic. This is like, an Ode to Beatrix, ya' know?" I mean, the bunny is cute, but IT'S COMING OUT OF HER ASS. Is anyone else concerned? Renee is lovely, but I'm not sure a demonstration of her bunny pooping abilities is going to win her another Oscar.

Self-Congratulations!

If you missed "The Colbert Report" last night, you have to watch Stephen's interview with Debra Dickerson. On any other show, the conversation would just be stupid. On Colbert, it's absurdist drama at its best.

It's about how Barack Obama isn't "black" in the sense that he is not a decendant of West African slaves, and therefore white liberals should stop congratulating themselves for supporting a black presidential candidate. And hey, maybe white people should stop being self-congratulatory. For instance, I gave some money to the Red Cross over the holidays, and I distinctly remember feeling pretty pleased with myself. On the other hand, I also gave money to charity, so I kind of saw it as a win-win. But Dickerson is right. In fact, I think we should actively avoid electing women or people of color to the presidency. Because white people might feel too good about it. It's better when we're all angry and self-loathing.

The Myth of Viewership

The New York Times published an article today about the mythologies of shows like "Lost" and "Heroes". The article doesn't say anything new, though it does hilariously refer to the shows' fanbases as "smart, socially awkward adults and all 12-year-old boys."

Yet the underlying premise of the article -- the cultural impact of this new breed of television shows and the people who follow them -- is interesting. I am curious to find out whether the trend continues, or viewers get tired of waiting several years for the big payoff. "Lost" has created an enormous and complex mystery over the last two and a half seasons, and it's unlikely that the conclusion of the series will be able satisfy expectations.

Unlike "24", which builds suspense over the course of one season, "Lost", and now "Heroes", unfold over the entire course of the series. It's a much more ambitious project, though both shows take short cuts by using mystical themes to develop intrigue. The danger of relying too heavily on mystical, supernatural, or religious themes to create suspense is that it offers an easy way out of the mystery. On "24", there is ultimately some actual person or persons behind the central terrorist plot. The culprits must have the means, motive, and opportunity to carry out the attacks, and the writers have to be creative in how these facts are revealed to the audience so as not to spoil the surprise. It's much too easy for the writers on "Lost" to blame everything on the all powerful yet unknowable island monster. It's also boring.

"Lost" has experienced significant growing pains as viewers have demanded that creators provide more answers instead of adding yet another layer of mystery. The ABC promotional department seems to be bribing viewers into watching: "This week, you'll finally find out what the fuck is going on! We promise!"

I should note that "Lost's" creator, J.J. Abrams, is not new to frustrating and confounding his viewers. As the creator of the spy thriller/family drama "Alias", Abrams created a bizarre and ultimately unsatisfying mystery involving a Renaissance-era Nostradamus and his wacky predictions. By the time Alias went off the air, viewership had dwindled to members of the Jennifer Garner Fan Club, and that's about it.

Already, ratings for "Lost" have fallen signifcantly since the first season.

Yet, I'm still tuning in tonight to see if the show can hook me the way it did in the first season. That's the real advantage of doing suspense on television -- you can make people watch even when they wish they didn't want to.